I know I probably should have gotten this list to you earlier, but isn’t a last minute rush just that sometimes – a rush? I suppose you’ve checked your list twice and might be struggling to find my name on it; I can spell it for you if necessary, or I may be listed under “Q” for Queen. Let’s not get into the naughty or nice theory since it’s really like evolution, relativity, or string – just a theory.
Since I am a little late about submitting this I thought a different format might make the process easier for you. I’m just going to tell you what I don’t want. That makes anything I do receive a bonus.
No exercise equipment – We both know I’m not going to use it. That exercise ball I bought for a pilates class lies in a state of unhappy deflation in the garage. I will never again use it for exercise purposes; it makes me look like a circus poodle. It might be useful as an Annoying Orange or jumbo Halloween pumpkin. My stepper has a pair of my shoes on it; I’m not in them. Ever. The mini-trampoline was not meant to stand permanently on edge. The hand weights shouldn’t be doorstops.
No raise at work – Really. It’s just not about money anymore. When I find my grossly atrophied brain or my self respect, I’ll explain further.
No unpleasant surprises – Pants that fit yesterday but don’t fit today; mint in my chocolate brownie (eeuuw); horseradish that I mistake for cheese on my food(!!); there is no Santa Claus.
No more cellulite – I have quite enough already. I’m not exactly blaming you, but I have my suspicions.
No more speed limits – We both know they don’t apply to The Magic Bus or the Queen.
No more laws – We’ve got enough. Every single instance of every single happening in every single corner of the U.S. simply cannot be controlled. Let’s lighten up, have a little fun, exercise some personal accountability, hold each other to a higher standard, read the fine print before signing.
No root canals – Who came up with such a barbaric procedure? Drill this, Mr. Dentist.
No more brown, anything –Brown is protective coloration in my neighborhood. I like more cheerful, life-affirming colors, like bright green, or purple.
No sushi – Tuna out of a can is still tuna out of a can.
No more cholesterol – My arteries will function fine without it. This would also support the no exercise equipment request.
No Target-brand Sun-Dried Tomato crackers – these are really dry dog food in disguise.
No more Facebook changes – I know, but it can’t hurt to ask.
So, thanks in advance for not bringing me this stuff. I hope there hasn’t been any trouble with PETA this year regarding the reindeer (or was that just a rumor last year?), the elves haven’t skipped out to Occupy something, and Mrs. Claus continues to enjoy her supporting role.
Affectionately (if not obediently) yours,